How to tell when you are listening

If you are grieving the loss of a loved one or a dramatic life change due to injury or disease, chances are others around you are grieving too. Knowing how to listen makes you better able to support others. Listening is a vital skill for Threads of Life’s Volunteer Family Guides – but others can learn it too. Following are some clues to good listening, from the Resource Manual for Volunteer Family Guides.

You are listening to me when you:

• Come quietly into my private world and let me be me
• Really try to understand me when I do not make much sense
• Grasp my point of view even when it goes against your sincere convictions
• Feel tired and drained after our conversation
• Allow me to make my own decisions, and
• Give me enough room to discover for myself why I feel upset, and enough time to think for myself what is best.

Other signs that you are listening to me are that you:

• Do not tell me the funny story you were bursting to tell me
• Do not take my problem from me, but trust me to deal with it in my own way
• Resist giving me advice, and
• Graciously receive my gratitude by telling me it is good to know you have helped.

You are not listening to me when you:

• Say you understand before you know me well enough
• Have an answer for my problem before I have finished telling you what the problem is
• Interrupt me
• Finish my sentences for me
• Are communicating with someone else in the room, and
• Try to sort out the details and are not aware of the feelings.

Other signs that you are not listening to me are that you:

• Feel critical of my grammar or accent
• Need to feel successful
• Tell me about your experiences that make mine seem unimportant, and
• Refuse my thanks by saying you have not really done anything.